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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "Hey, if you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight is shocking, and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yup. That's as far as I got, too." | |
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." | |
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Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur. Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these. |
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A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I ?" She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf." |
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What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List ----------------------------------- 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover What I Want In A Man, REVISED List ---------------------------------- 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Works steady 4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on weekends |
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Snow white opens her front door,
A lady standing there says... 1 of your dwarfs has fallen down the well. Which 1 asks Snow White? Don't know says the lady. Snow white rushes to the well and shouts for the dwarf to say something... A voice comes back.. 'Liverpool will do the treble under Benitez'. Snow White says... "It's Ok, It's Dopey! "Glory glory Tottenham Hotspur"! Better DEAD... than garlic smelling RED!!! |
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A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!" |
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" |